Couples Therapy
After finishing a supervised internship, my plan was to focus on individual counselling. I did do a lot of personal therapy, but from the start many couples showed up in my office. Today it makes up half of my practice.
Relationship difficulties challenge most of us, sometimes very painfully, but relationships can be at the center of what is most rewarding in our lives. While not every relationship is worth saving, most are and most can be measurably improved.
Couples start counselling for many reasons. Some want to improve how they communicate with each other. Others want to decrease their constant arguing. Others don’t argue, but they don’t do much of anything else either. They have drifted apart and live an unrewarding parallel existence.
Unfaithfulness is also an unfortunate reality for many couples. It can start with the all too common emotional affair; go on to a sexual affair, and even end up with cheating that takes place over many years or with multiple partners. Â Fortunately, most relationships survive infidelity.
Relationship problems are not always equal. Sometimes they originate more from one partner than the other, such as in addiction, poor work/life balance, over-attachment to family or friends, or a difficult psychological challenge like severe depression or bipolar disorder.
The bedroom can certainly have its share of difficulties as well. Different and declining desires are the two most common sexual problems in long-term relationships. Other difficulties range from arousal disorders, to performance issues, to hypersexuality, to plain old romantic laziness and sexual boredom.
Since being a good partner is a learned behavior, there is real and genuine hope that things can improve. Of course, when you are in the midst of your hardships, this is often a difficult perspective to discover and cultivate. But I have seen many, many relationships get better—even ones I didn’t think would!
There are many ways to improve relationships. For the most part, I use John Gottman's Sound Marital House, Sue Johnson's Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy, and Michelle Weiner-Davis’ Divorce Busting Method. Sometimes reading a book like The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman can be a turning point for a couple.
One misconception about couple counselling is that you need both partners present. You don’t. Some of the best marriage counselling takes place with only one person present. This can be because your partner is currently unwilling to attend, or because the two of you just end up uselessly repeating your overly worn negative patterns in session!
Perhaps your relationship needs something like a tune up. Maybe it is more along the lines of an overhaul. You might have one or two specific concerns, or there might be multiple difficulties. Whatever it is, you can get started on things today by going forward with couple counselling.
